Preface: So I stopped blogging for a while because I got hung up on a topic I began to write about but got hung up one because of its difficult subject matter. Then I tried other therapeutic interest. One day I will post it, maybe. So I return with something much easier to talk about.
Do I Know You?
One morning, heading to work, I stopped to get a smoothie. There was this pretty blonde giving me this look, not the kind most hope pretty blondes would give but this questioning look. She finally said, "Hey, how have you been. Matt right?" I gave her this blank stare, my brain went through its facial database search like one of these:
In order to not offend her, I went with the nondescript, "Hey!(excited inflection) I'm doing good, how have you been?" She then spoke about how she hadn't seen me since high school, which narrowed down the brain search. Narrowing it down to a few people, I took a risk and hesitantly said, "Emily, right?" This was clearly not social protocol as she kind of stopped and just went, "Uh, yeah," even though I guessed correct.
I then had to give the super short version of "I had cancer and the chemo messed with my brain and I forgot a big chunk of my teenage years." Not the kind of story she was hoping to start her day with obviously. She paid for her order, said goodbye and left before I did. I stood there wondering, as my social anxiety demands, if I could have gone about that whole situation better.
Random Access Memories
Whenever I tell others, besides my physician, that chemo messed with my brain I usually get one of the following responses, "Everyone forgets stuff, you are probably overthinking it." or "You are just getting old, it's not the chemo." or "You've been through a lot, you are bound to forget things" All possibly true but memory loss and stupidity are side effects of my particular chemo cocktail. Round 2 of fighting cancer brought on a study of various things for Tara and I, including the brain. At the end of the week, I could barely get through tying my shoes without forgetting which step I was on. It wasn't that I became a complete idiot, but the best way I can explain it is "writer's block" like no matter how hard you try your brain just won't continue from where you are. I also learned a lot about mental health, like developing PTSD after allowing a few nurses to dig around in my chest for over an hour while fully awake, more on all that another time perhaps.
Before chemo started, we made it a point to keep the brain working as long as possible while receiving a double dose of chemo. Previously I tried playing games when I was home but my mind wouldn't focus, things were to complicated for me. This time, I was determined to stay working too. Funny sidebar, I would do work while receiving treatments in the first part of the week, then forget I had done it when I came out of the haze. It was like being a cobbler and finding out the little elves did all you work while you slept. Anyway, we learned that simple task kept the brain doing, and keeping busy was something I needed.
Being a Kid is Fun
I started taking on kid task to stay busy, I played video games till and it was easier having Tara there to help keep me on task. Thankfully Tara's work allowed her to work from the hospital which meant I did spend a lot of time having to entertain myself. So I colored superheroes and best of all played with LEGOs. Now LEGOs are a proven brain boost in children so for it to work entirely the same as an adult, well that was just gravy. One of the best memories was building a spaceship in the observatory of MD Anderson.
In fact, it was the very spaceship from the above scene loaned to me by a friend and co-worker's two sweet sons.
I came home from the entire experience still coloring, doing art, writing, and yes still LEGOs. I no longer care if I should be doing more adult things, these things are enjoyable and they are also therapeutic. I find in this technological age, it is still imperative to the soul to continue to use your hands for something other than a touch screen or keyboard.
Getting old is mandatory, growing up is optional. - Walt Disney
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