Cancer and the Childish Things

Preface: So I stopped blogging for a while because I got hung up on a topic I began to write about but got hung up one because of its difficult subject matter. Then I tried other therapeutic interest. One day I will post it, maybe. So I return with something much easier to talk about.

Do I Know You?

One morning, heading to work, I stopped to get a smoothie. There was this pretty blonde giving me this look, not the kind most hope pretty blondes would give but this questioning look. She finally said, "Hey, how have you been. Matt right?" I gave her this blank stare, my brain went through its facial database search like one of these:

In order to not offend her, I went with the nondescript, "Hey!(excited inflection) I'm doing good, how have you been?" She then spoke about how she hadn't seen me since high school, which narrowed down the brain search. Narrowing it down to a few people, I took a risk and hesitantly said, "Emily, right?" This was clearly not social protocol as she kind of stopped and just went, "Uh, yeah," even though I guessed correct.

I then had to give the super short version of "I had cancer and the chemo messed with my brain and I forgot a big chunk of my teenage years." Not the kind of story she was hoping to start her day with obviously. She paid for her order, said goodbye and left before I did. I stood there wondering, as my social anxiety demands, if I could have gone about that whole situation better.

Random Access Memories

Whenever I tell others, besides my physician, that chemo messed with my brain I usually get one of the following responses, "Everyone forgets stuff, you are probably overthinking it." or "You are just getting old, it's not the chemo." or "You've been through a lot, you are bound to forget things" All possibly true but memory loss and stupidity are side effects of my particular chemo cocktail. Round 2 of fighting cancer brought on a study of various things for Tara and I, including the brain. At the end of the week, I could barely get through tying my shoes without forgetting which step I was on. It wasn't that I became a complete idiot, but the best way I can explain it is "writer's block" like no matter how hard you try your brain just won't continue from where you are. I also learned a lot about mental health, like developing PTSD after allowing a few nurses to dig around in my chest for over an hour while fully awake, more on all that another time perhaps.

Before chemo started, we made it a point to keep the brain working as long as possible while receiving a double dose of chemo. Previously I tried playing games when I was home but my mind wouldn't focus, things were to complicated for me. This time, I was determined to stay working too. Funny sidebar, I would do work while receiving treatments in the first part of the week, then forget I had done it when I came out of the haze. It was like being a cobbler and finding out the little elves did all you work while you slept. Anyway, we learned that simple task kept the brain doing, and keeping busy was something I needed.

Being a Kid is Fun

I started taking on kid task to stay busy, I played video games till and it was easier having Tara there to help keep me on task. Thankfully Tara's work allowed her to work from the hospital which meant I did spend a lot of time having to entertain myself. So I colored superheroes and best of all played with LEGOs. Now LEGOs are a proven brain boost in children so for it to work entirely the same as an adult, well that was just gravy. One of the best memories was building a spaceship in the observatory of MD Anderson.

In fact, it was the very spaceship from the above scene loaned to me by a friend and co-worker's two sweet sons. 

I came home from the entire experience still coloring, doing art, writing, and yes still LEGOs. I no longer care if I should be doing more adult things, these things are enjoyable and they are also therapeutic. I find in this technological age, it is still imperative to the soul to continue to use your hands for something other than a touch screen or keyboard.

Getting old is mandatory, growing up is optional. - Walt Disney

Cancer and the Happiest Place on Earth

I Had Fun Never

Everyone needs to collectively feel sorry for me for a moment. Not because of cancer, but because my parents never took us to Disney World as children. The horror!

In seriousness, Disney World would be one of the last places my parents would have taken us as there were many factors that attributed to our lack of Mickey visits. My father is not the most patient person, thinking of him waiting to ride something like Tea Cups, well I can just picture him slowly losing his temper. My mother developed vertigo later in our lives, so rides were a no-no. We never had a lot of extra money as kids, which didn’t mean we never went on vacation, we did. But the biggest reason we never saved up to go to Disney World in my family as a child is, I WAS THE BIGGEST CHICKEN WHEN IT CAME TO RIDES AND MASCOT CHARACTERS.

Seriously, I had this fear since I was very small about rides coming unhinged and killing everyone while I was on board. I was the reason “child swap” was invented at theme parks. I have vivid memories of my parents convincing me to go on the kiddie coaster at Six Flags Fiesta Texas when I was little and having a panic attack. Don’t even get me started on carnival rides. I also had this fear of people in costumes that didn’t go away until high school when I was forced to cooperate with our school mascot for various events, and let me tell you a flamboyant Skipper is so much creepier than a fighting tiger or a bear.

The fear of rides went into adulthood as the times I tried to let my guard down and try a ride or two, I always ended up regretting it. I went to a Six Flags with a girlfriend and her little brother and I didn’t want to seem too unmanly so I got on a coaster with this, hyperventilating the entire time. That coaster jerked in a way I wasn’t expecting right as I went to enjoy it and the metal hand bar hit me square in the jaw. The next time I went to Six Flags in Dallas with my friend we got stuck at the top of a log ride for over an hour while the workers decided how best to approach getting us down. Their final decision was to just push us by hand and hope for the best. We ended up flipping the log, all hitting our heads on the slide itself while submerged and well just being miserable the rest of the day.

My First Foray in Physical Fantasy

It wasn’t until after I got cancer and had an amputation that I made my first trip to Disney World in Orlando. I had married a Disney fanatic and I was slowly wanting to go even though I told her I don’t ride rides. After my recovery we planned a trip and once I had gotten there, I had every intention of playing it safe and only riding the rides families were getting on.

We rode Jungle Cruise first, and I enjoyed the cheesy jokes and campiness of it. We rode the Magic Carpets and it was hilarious getting shot in the face by a spiting camel. Then we rode Pirates of the Caribbean and something was up. Tara had this grin on her face and I slightly panicked at the rides only short drop. I didn’t like being tricked but it was fun. Tara apologized but promised that we could ride a tame kids ride.

We boarded Peter Pan’s Flight and there was this little ship on a track. As we took off, and we entered the first room, the track breaks off abruptly and I panicked again. “Baby! The track is missing!” Tara pointed up and I had been fooled by the Disney magic. The track below was a farce while the ride was actually suspended in the air.  The Peter Pan song “You can fly!” picked up as the ship sailed on in flight and my heart melted. Suddenly I was a believer in the magic of Disney. I wanted to ride it again as soon as it came to an end.

Our next stop was the Philharmagic and I was so full of emotion when it was over I was ready to do more, after I wiped my face from the mist they spray, Fine! Tears of pure joy. I realized then that a little bit of magic can go a long way. I lost my fears of characters and rides. Suddenly I would ride anything and I absolutely loved it. I came to the realization through the joy of making these memories that if I wasn’t going to fear dying of cancer, I wasn’t going to fear a silly ride, I was going to enjoy my life. Now I’ll ride anything except Tower of Terror but that’s more a motion sickness thing than a fear.

I Still Carry the Magic

Since this trip we have been multiple times and will continue to go multiple times as it is our favorite place to visit. Disney World isn't just a place we go and enjoy, it is a magical kingdom where we make wonderful memories. Of course there are other places I’d like to visit but being disabled, doesn’t always make that possible. We've tried and often faced disappointment with other locations. Tara and I are often criticized for our love of going to Disney World but let me ask you this. If given the choice of an inexpensive trip where you know you can do everything even with your limitations or a trip just a little more expensive where you may be limited on what you can do because of disability, which do you pick? For us it is a no brainer. So critics can bite me because they don't call it "the happiest place on earth" for nothing.

On that first trip I came to realize that our lives need a little spark of magic to carry everywhere with us. “Now wait,” I hear some saying, “Don’t you believe in God? Isn’t faith enough?” And the short answer is “Yes” but faith in God isn’t the same as believing magic in your life, and if you treat your faith as a magical wish fulfilling entity, you are not getting what faith is all about.  Think of faith as grace and hope and the magic you believe in as the mechanism that tells your brain how to hold on to that hope and grace.

As a cancer survivor I have faith that all is going to go according to a divine plan but I believe that is going to be whatever God wills and the hard part is accepting it without fully understanding it. The magic and memories a place like Disney World gives me is the other side of that same coin as it gives me the motivation to accept the day to day. It gives me joyous memories that I can hold on to when the times get really tough. Where faith is very spiritual, the magic is very emotional.

The magic in your life can come from anywhere. For me, as of now, I still buy into Disney magic as I allow it to stir my emotions. I get giddy when Tara and I plan trips, we talk fondly of the memories we’ve made there, and we get emotional over silly things when we are there but that is OK. Hold on to believing life has magic to offer you. Hold on to being childlike. You never know when magic will keep you going just a little further than you thought you would.

Plus, magic is always better when you are already sharing it with your princess.