Cancer and the Visitors

Why Make the Trip?

I have been wrestling with myself these past few weeks. Seeing my neighbors in the surrounding areas beaten down and in need of aid with the recent floods, I hate feeling like I can not do anything. As I have been sick lately I know I would be useless demoing a house or picking up. I've had to weigh the damage mold and other things would do to me and decide if it is worth it to help those in need. I've offered prayers and sent donations but I still feel trapped by my health, especially since I know how important taking the time to go, to visit can be to others in need.

There is great power in taking the time to visit others. The kings of old would send emissaries for routine word and ambassadors when a note would not do. However if a king took the time to visit another kingdom, it mean something was about to go down. Kings would only leave their kingdoms under largely qualifying circumstances, usually for a unifying marriage or a declaration of war.

Even in stories, histories and the Bible, visits are often the precursor of something greater to happen. God sent archangels to visit many in the bible when things got serious or were to get serious. Could you imagine how the story would have played out if a young Mary had just found notes lying around saying, "By the way, you are going to have a baby." No, instead God send the angel Raphael to personally visit this humble young girl, because in that visit the announcement of a savior was given and the angel was there to comfort a frightened young woman. This then gives her the strength and courage to go visit her cousin whom is also with child.  The idea of visitations are so important that Jesus mentions it twice in the same verse as one of the virtues of entering the Kingdom of Heaven, "I was sick and you visited me, in prison and you came to me." Visiting is a serious thing!

Leave Me Alone to Die

When I first started treatments I prepared myself for the hair falling out, the getting sick and so one. My first round came and went, nothing happened. So here I am living in Texas with not much to do because we are stuck for over a month. My best friend, Josh travels from Dallas to my home town where I am staying with my grandparents to visit and we talked, laughed, joked, and pretty much acted normal except with my CVC it was too hot to go do anything. His visit lifted my spirits a lot. A reminder that I am with only my dad and Tara and I have only been married 6 months by this point and she is staying at home to keep her job. Other than Josh's visit my only other means to talking to most, is Facebook and minimal texting. Tara and I talk every chance we get but I was never one to enjoy talking on the phone.

I am in good spirits by this point and I am about to go in for round to, a little hair has fallen out but nothing too bad and no sickness. First day of second round, I feel nothing but I am back in the hospital and hotel. Which means my father and I become more isolated from others with the only relief is that a long weekend Tara and my mother are traveling up together to meet. My good friend whom has moved to Houston, Lauren and I chat on Facebook and since I am in such a decent mood I agree to her coming to visit toward the end of my cycle before heading home.

The next day of treatment begins and it hits me like a supernova, I feel sick, my skin almost instantly loses it's color and I can't taste anything which makes food unbearable. I just wanted to be left lone.

What makes all this worse, is this is the day Tara is supposed to get there. I was taken in early and they were late due to traffic so I am already miserable by the time she arrives. I was falling apart and I didn't want my beautiful young wife to see me like this. But she loves me no less and helps me accept it.

By the fourth day I am even worse, I am mostly in tears because of the frustration or it all and I can barely stay awake, the chemo is beating me down. Lauren sends me a message to see where we are going to be and I had the phone to Tara. I didn't want to see Lauren or anyone, I was losing myself and I wanted to just be alone to crumble. After arguing with Tara she goes against my angst and tells Lauren where we are headed to start my next treatment. By this point I am preparing myself to lose another friend over my cancer. We are waiting to go into a treatment room, and Lauren come out the elevator and something happens.

She doesn't hug me at first, she grabs my hand while I am sitting down and just says, "Heya friend!" and she is just there smiling at me. I am infected with her smile, she has one of the best smiles, it's impossible to not to smile back (seriously if you ever meet her, try it). My apprehension falls away and I work up enough energy to hug her gently. I realize I wasn't worried about looking awful or being sick, I was scared that I would be seen differently. There was no pity in her voice, no sorrow in her eyes, she was just my same bubbly friend that still loves me even at my weakest, 

Lauren's visit is actually how I credit being able to be so open about my cancer expedition, I know that those of you reading this that truly know me aren't feeling sorry for me but you are all supporting me and for that I am forever grateful.

Love is an Open Door

Since then I have been very open about letting people stop by. I never turned anyone away, I may have fallen asleep on quite a few people thought, sorry. Everyone that has ever stopped by I hold dear to my journey. When I returned home other friends would stop by on my in between weeks and made things all better to not be alone when in my head being alone was what I should have been doing. However the heart needed the visitors, from Amy unable to stop being a nurse and laughing at me as always, to playing Mass Effect 2 with Fr. Beau and just talking about science fiction to take my mind off my pain, my friends Jenny and Buddy bringing their children by after my amputation, which eased my fear of kids being afraid of my one leggedness. Even during my recent treatment, my friend Kristin coming by in Hospital, some of the best alumni a teacher could ask for having "gaming days" at the house, and even friends of my parents, clergy of other Christian denominations and people I barely knew just stopping by my hospital bed to pray with me.

Each of those visits were the highlights to my treatments, they brought peace in a time of great despair and I will cherish each of them, always. 

My visitors are my reason to smile.