Cancer and the Little Blue Tang

(Warning! Mild Spoilers for Finding Dory)

The Emotional Bait and Switch

Disney has mastered the art of showing off a movie, baiting you to the theater with the flashy stuff and suddenly you are crying over characters from a cartoon. Just the other day I had a great laugh at myself for rubbing my eyes as a little yellow trash robot, Wall-E holds his own hand out of loneliness while watching Hello Dolly

But as I said, Disney has mastered this art form. The problem lies in the fact that you aren't always ready for it. 

1. Meet the Robinsons - Let's go see a fun film about a boy who time travels with a strange kid from the future, and you come out feeling all the emotions of a lesson on the loving strength of adoption.
2. Big Hero 6 - Oh look a new super hero cartoon staring a hilarious fat robot! Well how about an emotional lesson on overcoming the loss of a loved one.
3. UP! -  A funny kid and an elderly...You know what? I'm not even going to hit any of the emotional notes on UP! If you've never seen it all I can say is prepare yourself, unless you have no heart.

See what I mean? And if you think those are bad, don't get me started one some of their live action animal movies, I'm looking at you, Eight Below! So needless to say, once again I was duped and I wasn't ready for the message of Finding Dory, even though experience told me to prepare myself.

Dory the Little Disabled Blue Tang

We all met Dory in Finding Nemo and her short term memory loss antics where hilarious in that film, so its safe to say you can go into Finding Dory expecting the same. Only it isn't the same, instead of laughing a Dory's quirkiness you are taken on a ride through the emotional turmoil her disability brings her, namely not knowing her family and who she really is. Even harder to watch as an adult is how through flashbacks you learn the hardship it placed on her parents whom loved her no less, never got frustrated with her and did their best to shield her from her disability causing problems. In the end Dory achieves her ultimate goal not in spite of her disability, but because of it.

At the films end after having a laugh over the good parts, the pains of Dory's adventure settled into my mind in relation to my own disability.

Disability and Cancer

Growing up I thought cancer was something old people get, I used to think cancer was what caused people to "die peacefully in their sleep" That illusion was taken from me as I watched my family suffer around the bed of my grandmother Francis and it was then I learned there is nothing peaceful about cancer, there is nothing good about the disease. 

Even after this illusion was shattered, I just thought of cancer as something that you either overcame or you didn't. I learned soon after that survivorship comes with multiple things you are never prepared for.
So when I was told I had cancer at the bottom of my foot, I tried to prepare myself for the inconvenience of walking on crutches for some time, possibly toning down my physical activity, and maybe losing a toe or two. I was taken down many pegs when I was told the whole foot and ankle were at risk of being removed. I wasn't at all ready to become permanently physically disabled.

I sucked it up and I told myself, "This is the new normal." But it isn't that easy in real life. Before I never considered things like having to research vacation spots for access, making special request at hotels, or even having to wait longer at a restaurant because going upstairs is too painful some days. Most people see me walking around on my prosthetic and stop me to tell me how good I am doing, and some days I am fine. Others, each step is painful but I have little option to bare it, because life continues with or without my acknowledgment of pain.

When I found out about the recurrence of my cancer, I said to myself, "Well it can't get much worse than losing a limb." Turns out it can, and to take more from my silly disillusionment, cancer causes many disabilities that are not at all visible. I'm talking mental illness, much like Dory suffers from. 

My first chemo treatment blocked out parts of my memories which was frustrating to learn but it really is more of a minor inconvenience of just having to double check how I know certain people or if I know them. Second time around the chemo took a toll on my speed. I've always been a quick thinker with a sharp wit. The slow down occured the longer I was on the meds each week and it became increasingly frustrating. I began stuttering, unable to get out simple words, and I would forget simple task like tying my shoes correctly. Each time I was off the meds I would slowly regain myself as the meds dissipated but some of those things stuck with me. I still have moments where I can't think of words to the point of frustrated outburst and the stuttering lasted quite a few months after treatment was over but is mostly gone. I can't help but feel frustrated with these things still.

The Dory Connection

Watching Dory struggle with her disability, Disney/Pixar did an excellent job of bringing to like not just how it affected her, but those around her. There were those that didn't understand at all, those whom though it was an inconvenience to them, and of course those who were patient and rolled with the punches and tried to help. The most heart tugging of these being her parents. Before my second fight with cancer, I never gave much thought about how disability affects the parents of those who are high functioning disabled people. This isn't to say I never thought of it because I didn't care, but I was often so determined to do things without help that I never gave it much thought. It wasn't until I took on the attributes of a mental disability that I gave it thought, because as strong as I can be physically, there is no "on your own" that works with a mental disability. It touches every one around you if you know it or not. It was painful to come to this realization that parents and loved ones take on disabilities with you no matter what, and that is true unconditional love. In retrospect I was probably embarrassed to have to ask Tara to tie my shoes for me to leave the hospital but she did it without and hesitation or judgement.

This time around, leaving the screening of Finding Dory, my emotional swivet came not from the fear of dealing with a mental disability; but the joy of having counting those around me as my help, being fully supportive and loving makes any sadness worth living trough.  I know I will make it with my parents, my Marlin and Nemo, my Bailey and Destiny, and even my Hank. I wonder who my Becky with the good hair is?

This one has nothing to do with my blog, except I feel like Gerald often in life.

Cancer and the Blog Spot

Therapy Blogging

Therapy comes in many forms. It may be physician prescribed, therapist recommended, or self induced. The purpose of this particular blog is a mixture of all three. These writings are a way for me to get my thoughts out and in physical form so that they have place to go besides my head. Also, by putting these thoughts into a weekly blog, I will feel more accountable to actually do some writing and not hold my thoughts in as usual. Having undergone treatments and living with cancer I am in my head a lot. I daze off in most situations just lost in thought.
Every place in a hospital is a place of learning. Waiting rooms can teach you the value of silence, as it is usually a place with palpable anxiety. Of course not everyone follows these rules but another lesson you learn in waiting rooms is how to tune out just about anything. From a foreigner that doesn't understand how loud they are being on the phone, to a group of bible thumping old ladies openly (somewhat inappropriately) talking about death in a place where it is lingering above everyone; you learn to tune it all out. So what is left in the silence? Just your thoughts and internal prayers.
So here will be a transcription of my thoughts, full or errors, run-ons, and WTF moments. If you have never read any of my writing, I write very conversationally, I think in some hope you will remember my voice and take each of these as a digital epistle among friends.

So What's With the Title?

Already I know some of you are thinking, 'But you are cancer free right? Why the foreboding title?"

Well I hope to share my thoughts in relation to my disease. This isn't to say I only have these thoughts because I have had cancer but living through what I have, it completely changes your perceptions on just about everything. Which I know without doubt I have been changed, I've even changed drastically from having cancer the first time and an amputation, to the second occurrence and having my lymph nodes removed. Another reason I can call my blog what by this name will force me to drop a truth bomb here on most everyone else who is not close to my situation.

A lot of people often wonder why Tara and I aren't as excited with "no news" when we return from MD Anderson. It is not that we are ungrateful for not having cancer at this time but it because after my cancer metastasized it means I can never actually be "Cancer Free". It just means we know the microscopic cells of disease are still floating around possibly and my body is just currently not showing signs or symptoms they can read with current technology, what we refer to as NED or No Evidence of Disease. So even though a good trip with no bad news is a blessing, for Tara and I, it is more like hitting a three month reset button or like inputting the button code from LOST, which leads to "doomsday" if not pressed. Actually, the whole thing is like a LOST episode, our doctor even reads a "Previously on..." each time. (Sorry if that's a spoiler, but come on, LOST has been off the air for almost 10 years.)

Share the adventure

And there you have it friends. Truth bomb delivered! This isn't to say we are giving up on a miracle happening, this is just where we are in this part of our journey.  I hope you can enjoy this (hopefully weekly) journey with me and my sharing will maybe mean something. If not, I will probably still write anyway because I am supposed to and I need to. Talk to you next time on Cancer and the Blogspot!