"We are frail, we are fearfully, and wonderfully made." -Rich Mullins
The Recent Check-Up
Want to get this out of the way first. On my most recent checkup, another tumor has reared its ugly head. My CT scan last May showed an infected lymph node, but it didn't warrant concern, it was minimal. Again in November, it was a bit bigger but nothing to be concerned with, the doctor took note, but it was possible to write it off as inflamed from being stressed or sick. This last visit it was a little bigger, thus showing a trend. It's only a few centimeters in size, but it is almost in the core center of my body. At that size, a biopsy would be dangerous possibly harming my stomach or intestine. So we are now waiting until June to try another CT and schedule the biopsy. If it is not the right size I am unsure if we start treatment anyway or wait longer. This has brought forth a whole lot of weight on my heart.
Reasons to Suffer
One of the hardest things I've had to unlearn is that suffering is a direct result of sin. The bible for one tells us that many times when Jesus healed people, he said, "Go in peace, your sins are forgiven." This idea that suffering and sin are the two sides of the same coin can be taken from those words. So why is it that so many terrible people are lucky in life? What have I done in my life so wrong that I should be so punished? Often people ask, "Why me? when they really mean, "What did I do to deserve this?" This is not fundamentally a Christian belief, Buddhism, and Hinduism both teach that if you suffer in your life, you are making up for something you have done in another life. Taoist believe that suffering is part of the balance of the universe. So why do good people suffer? I am not saying I am unflawed by a long shot. I try my damndest to live right not just as a Christian but as one human being to another.
Instead, suffering is potentially a graceful moment in our lives. It is a moment to overcome, a moment to seek joy, and a moment to lean on others. Another life lesson cancer has taught me is to accept the support of others. Consider it an opportunity to overcome pride right? There is an excellent opportunity for those around you to fulfill their calling to be kind to another, even if that other is you. These moments of grace allow lives to be touched in profound ways that we may never know.
While suffering in pain is in no way joyful, it gives us opportunities to find joy. I've made a commitment since getting the news to do at least one profound thing each week with Tara so that we cement the memories of our relationship as more than just being in the hospital or taking time to worry. I find joy in spending time with my niece when I can. It's not always easy since I usually have to travel to her and being sick just like with work prevents me from doing as I please. I'm finding joy in sharing a life with my family, laughing in small moments, and taking the time to just be with others.
The most challenging part is the overcoming. There are days I feel like I can overcome anything because I have overcome cancer twice. However, the deep fear sets in of if I will have the fortitude to overcome this time or the next. Suffering may be grace, but that doesn't mean there is shame in fearing it. Think about suffering as a lightning storm. The storm is beautiful and awe-inspiring to behold, and at the same time, it is something to be feared and to avoid. Suffering in my experience is a lot like this.
Wonderfully Made Together
My latest news has put me back in this position to be deeply concerned. I am not afraid of cancer anymore, I am scared of what getting rid of it will further do to my body. I am not afraid of death, I am worried for those I must leave behind. I am fearful of what I will become when treatments start again, even if this time is not the time.
We believe we are made in the image of God, however that image has known suffering beyond comprehension. That image has also known mercy and love beyond any fathomable limits. We are each called through suffering to play our part. If we are the Body of Christ, some of us are called to be the hands and feet where the nails pierced, some the brow where the thorns dug in, and some the heart which poured out love.
