Goodbye CES
This past week, I said goodbye to Christ Episcopal as my place of employ for seven years. This was not a decision I came to quickly but one that I have wrestled with and fought for a while.
In short, while CES has granted me so much help in the way of taking care of myself with my cancer with time off for test and sick days; we reached a point where they could not provide the support I need in the office to keep my physical and mental health where it needed to be.
Not going to lie, saying goodbye to the place I have called home for close to a decade hurt a lot. Since after my recurrence in 2015, my doctor has asked that I consider permanent disability for numerous reasons. Reasons I thought I could fight like always. However, the workload kept growing, and my body could no longer handle staying up until 2 a.m. to finish projects for work. I asked for help personally and through my superior but CES's status as a non-profit school makes it hard in obtaining the personnel needed. After much fighting, multiple breaking points, and clawing at the bit I was faced with my decision.
Last summer I had a scare at the end of school in which a mass had been found. Unfortunately, in a person which cancer has metastasized, any mass has the potential to become an aggressive tumor. What makes it easier for these masses to develop you ask? Stress. Anyone that has seen a school work knows that the end of the year is stressful for all present. This year as we took one more and more responsibilities in my department that stress was reaching paramount level.
I had taken a short respite to do some soul searching for my next step before Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving Day, we lost my grandfather. In my goodbyes to him, I heard him urging me to take care of myself and make the most of my time left on earth. With that, I made the final decision to remove myself from my current situation and focus on my health.
It is going to be a hard transition to permanent disability. This first week I always feel like I am missing something every evening. The financial burden will be one Tara, and I will need to face, but we've gotten through worse. I hope to accomplish so much in an effort to prolong what life I have and make the most of it. It is difficult to see that as a goal. I am having trouble seeing this step as a stepping stone and not giving up. God's Will I have the grace to endure.
As I said, it hurt to say goodbye. I hated feeling like I was abandoning the students that looked up to me. I hated leaving my office team which never had a dull moment. I hated separating myself from my fellow teachers I have learned so much from. I hated saying goodbye, but my wellbeing needed to.
I still hope to come around. I have students I need to see graduate. I have lifelong friends I will visit at their job. I have CES events I want to share with my niece very soon. Troy Bolton said it best...
