The Horror Media
One of the many reasons I despise horror movies is the trope where the villain always comes back one last time or the body of the defeated foe is gone. Of course this is usually so there can be a sequel or some other Hollywood cash-in but it makes for suck predictable drivel in film. Usually it is used to a jump scare effect where there is suddenly the villain and a loud pop of sound just to startle you and that isn’t really scary, it is just a shock to your senses which is supposed to cause a surge in adrenaline.
Horror is a very popular concept in video games right now, not just because of the interest but because they tend to get it right. Usually you know what you are dealing with as a villain before you even turn the game on. The scare comes from the sense of dread constantly hanging over the player that at any time your character can succumb to the horrors in store and a great game does this through atmosphere and a sense of hopelessness. The true scares come from the worry of peaking around the corner and your brain is telling you to prepare for the worst and sometimes you are fine until you are not.
The Constant Villain
Cancer is a villain, plain and simple. One that is not easily defeated and one that does everything to make your life a living hell. Cancer survivors revel when they defeat their villain because just like a movie villain, they escaped with their lives. We celebrate the anniversary of being cancer free the same way we do birthdays in my house. I tell Tara all the time it is silly but I still look forward to it because I am happy to reach the milestone as well. She calls them Unbirthdays, like from Alice in Wonderland.Today happens to be my Unbirthday 2.0, because it is the first year anniversary since my second fight with cancer. I am having a hard time being as joyous as I once was before the recurrence. See, cancer survivors that have gone through multiple diagnoses are no longer fighting the movie horror villain, they are fighting the video game one.
Each day, each joy, and each moment, is tainted by the worry in the back of our minds that the killer is still lingering around somewhere. It is the Joy Thief, the sense of dread hanging over every decision and hope. There is true terror in finding anything abnormal or having a different pain than normal once a second recurrence has happened.
Last time when I had gone almost 5 five years since my first diagnosis and I found the lumps in my lymph nodes, I had hope that my lymph nodes were just swollen from a very rough weekend of work. Now each hurt, bruise, or bump sets of the cancer alarm immediately. My hope and joy had been taken with the recurrence.
It is difficult to get over, it is difficult to rebuild that hope. Much like trying to rebuild trust with a friend that has hurt you, cancer patients have a hard time rebuilding that trust in their body. I hate it.
I hate it because of what it does to those around me as well. I hate that Tara has to go through moments when the realization of how short our time together may be. I hate it when it makes my parents dote on me every time I go to a doctor’s appointment and checkup. I hate it because I know there will be an Unbirthday 3.0 or more. And most of all I hate it because, not because I fear cancer or death, I hate it because I know suffering is always lingering around the corner.
Beam of Light
There is hope of course, it is just hard to see through the atmospheric fog of this particular horror scenario. We deal and move on. We try to ignore the memories of the villain being around the corner. We plan for the future regardless of our fears. We give hope to others, try be their light, even if it is hard for us to see the light ourselves.My advice to others: We “Keep Fighting Forward”. We live in the moment, so we will live in the memories.
